Courage

"Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day saying, "I'll try again tomorrow". I have found this to be very true. There were nights in my life when I thought I was literally going to burst at the seams. I would stay awake for hours and hours hating myself and beating myself up. Physically. Literally. I felt like I was overflowing with sadness and would have done anything to make it stop. I can't explain the thoughts that consumed me those nights. It was torture. I felt like such a coward because I couldn't do anything to make it stop. I was a coward because I couldn't take my own life.

After recovering from my severe depression and being clean for over a year, I can say that those nights of cowardice were so much more than that. It was courage. I was not weak. The moments were weak, and I didn't know how to cope with them. But I was never weak. I was courageous and strong. And the fact that I am writing this today is proof of that.

Courage doesn't always look like courage. And it sure as hell doesn't always feel like courage. Only looking back can I say that those were some of the strongest moments of my life.

Quirks

I like really hot, long showers and painting my own nails. Pink or dark blue or black or clear. I like my room clean, but there's just something about it when it's messy. Controlled chaos. I feel like having my nails done or eyebrows plucked gives me more confidence, even if everything else in my life is a mess. I will only drink water out of water bottles. I think too much. I say "I love you" a lot, but not always to the right people. My favorite person to quote is Eleanor Roosevelt. I like to read. I go to the gym when I'm procrastinating, and I spend way too much time on the internet. My friends sometimes call me Goose. I have hundreds of scars. I am addicted to instagram. I like documenting my life with pictures and videos, but I feel weird taking pictures of myself. I love to dance- in my ballroom class in heels, in my bedroom in my underwear or in the grocery store in jeans and tennis shoes. I brush my teeth for 3 minutes every night before bed. I regret very few things in life. I'm insecure about a hundred things, but can find inspiration in a hundred more. I'm proud of who I am and what I've been through to become that way. Black t-shirts are a staple. I own more black t shirts than all my bras combined. I like to comment nice, uplifting things onto strangers social media posts. I can be really cranky when things don't go the way I imagined. One of my favorite things to do is smile. I say sorry too much. I complain about things I actually enjoy- like writing. Music either inspires and motivates me or brings me clear down to the bottom. I've been to the bottom. I don't believe in luck, but believe in blessings with all my heart.

Young Love

"So there was this guy..."

I feel like that's how it always starts. Throughout your life there are a lot of guys. Friends, crushes, boyfriends...

The first boy I ever said "I love you" to (besides family. duh.), is currently serving an LDS mission in South Carolina. We met while I was still in high school and he was my first official boyfriend. We dated for 8 months before he left on his two-year mission, and a lot happened in those months. I can absolutely say that I fell in love with him. With him, his friends, his family... We became best friends and it broke my heart to say goodbye to him. After he left, I became very depressed and withdrawn. It was sad and unhealthy and I hated it. I cried all the time and it sucked. He was devoting TWO YEARS of his life to the Lord and I wasn't doing much to contribute to... anything. He and I wrote letter after letter and email after email. I found that I loved him even more after getting to know him better from afar and seeing him work through faith and the Lord. We talked all the time about how we were going to get married in the Salt Lake temple when he got home, and all about our plans for the future and a family.

I was 18 years old.

I had no clue what I was doing. He had asked me to date other guys while he was gone, but going out with other guys while planning a temple marriage with your missionary is incredibly unfair to everyone involved. And it sucked. Maybe even more than that depression when he first left. It was hard for me to open up to any guy and when I did, I felt guilty and dirty. It started to take it's toll on the relationship I had with my missionary and his family as well. We talked less and less, and eventually stopped writing letters all together.

I began to realize that although he was my best friend and I loved him more than I had ever loved anyone before, that LOVE changes. Your first love is not always your true love and it's not always meant to be. I don't know if love ever goes away, because I'm still very young and still care about him... just not in the way I did when I was 18. I'm not sure what will happen when he gets home, but I'm okay with not knowing. I've always tried to plan my life out exactly and precisely to the letter, but love is something that can't be planned, and if you try to control it or force it in any way, it becomes unhealthy and toxic and begins to look and feel less and less like the love you started with.

The Fault In Our Stars

This film is based off the book by John Green, who is my all time favorite author. I waited and waited for the book to be released, and my mom secretly pre-ordered it for me for Christmas a few years ago, and it was accidentally shipped early.

I am so so happy about this. My favorite book is being made into a movie. Tears and more tears.

I - 2014

I am not the same girl who created this blog 5 years ago.
I am 20 years old.
I am a student at a university.
I love my family more than anything and they make me laugh. A lot.
I have two best friends, both of whom are gorgeous.
I have a dog.
A boy has my heart.
Speaking of hearts, mine has been broken many times since I last checked on this blog. But I am a much better person because of those heartbreaks.

Also, I want to get an English bulldog when I move out.
AlsoAlso, I'm gonna try to blog more - blah, blah, blah.

Thoughts.

1. I can't sleep. Because
2. birthday awesomeness is commencing tomorrow (today) and
3. there are emotions that I'm having trouble defining and dealing with at the moment. And yes,
4. they involve the great love of my life.
5. Elder D. Oviatt.
6. Definition of said feelings: Nervous. Inadequate.

Once upon a memory.

I couldn't fall asleep tonight so I pulled a box from the back of my closet and wandered down memory lane for a little bit...

I can't believe that I sometimes forget that when I was 15 I boarded an 11 hour flight to Paris with 12 of my best friends and that we performed in front of 8,000 people. I took a ballet class with an instructor of the Paris Opera Ballet in a school gymnasium in Austria. I hiked the Alps and visited castles. We performed for a school for handicapped children and they in turn hosted an Austrian "barbeque" for us. And my friends and I cried after that performance because it was the last time we would perform on that trip and we had had the time of our lives.

I should remember things more often.