Thoughts.

1. I can't sleep. Because
2. birthday awesomeness is commencing tomorrow (today) and
3. there are emotions that I'm having trouble defining and dealing with at the moment. And yes,
4. they involve the great love of my life.
5. Elder D. Oviatt.
6. Definition of said feelings: Nervous. Inadequate.

Once upon a memory.

I couldn't fall asleep tonight so I pulled a box from the back of my closet and wandered down memory lane for a little bit...

I can't believe that I sometimes forget that when I was 15 I boarded an 11 hour flight to Paris with 12 of my best friends and that we performed in front of 8,000 people. I took a ballet class with an instructor of the Paris Opera Ballet in a school gymnasium in Austria. I hiked the Alps and visited castles. We performed for a school for handicapped children and they in turn hosted an Austrian "barbeque" for us. And my friends and I cried after that performance because it was the last time we would perform on that trip and we had had the time of our lives.

I should remember things more often.

What I want more than anything in the world right now, is to be able to feel and experience an emotion without being judged by those closest to me. But, since I can't be honest and open about it, I retreat. And am then judged even more. And I'm sorry. But if that's the only way to get through it, then leave me alone till I'm ready. Bye.

Project: BEAUTIFUL {2012}

I've had this idea for months...It's been kicking around in my brain and it's just gotten bigger and bigger. I could never stop thinking about it and it would keep me up at night. I finally decided that I needed to do something about it. I don't know what it's gonna end up as, but I have a beginning and I know where I want it to go. Every good thing starts somewhere. Starts small.

Here we go. =)

essays....

i've been working on this essay for a week and a half. i have 1 1/2 pages done. it is nowhere NEAR finished. this paper NEEDS to be turned in tomorrow, along with a second essay and a snazzy interactive web presentation thing.
this is too much.
i can't make my brain calm down and focus....i'm exhausted but my head is pounding and spinning and running a million different directions all at once.
i can't do this.
screw you, little engine that could. this little engine can't and probably won't. i really want to, but it seems physically impossible at this point.

thank you helping me procrastinate, blog.

me. blogging. SURPRISE!

ok so i'm blogging. not because i feel sentimental or because something monumental and life-changing happened to me. nope. none of the above. boys. the reason for this whole post is a boy.

i went on two AMAZING dates with a guy. two dates. they were probably two of my favorite dates of all time. the haunted forest (blind date) and a random, spontaneous trip to trafalga (plus hot chocolate). he was nice and charming and cute and funny and respectful AND he held my hand on the first date! scandalous, i know, but i found out later that i was the first girl he had EVER held hands with. EVER. i'm not going to tell you that that didn't make my day. because it did. he held my hand on our second (trafalga) date as well. BONUS: ALL of his friends work at second-date-trafalga. they saw us holding hands. and he wasn't embarrassed. i was kind of impressed. anyway....

two dates into our relationship (which was not really a relationship, but a girl can dream, right?) and he stops texting. i hadn't heard from him in a month. which doesn't seem that long, but our two dates happened within 2 1/2 weeks of each other, so....

i didn't want to text him first because...i don't know. that seemed weird. if he wanted to go out with me, he would text, right? but...i wanted to go out with him but i didn't text. ugh.

so i got on facebook today AND......

he's in a relationship with someone else.

darn you nice, attractive boy!!!

but at least now i know why he wasn't trying to get a hold of me...

*sigh* oh well. time to move on with my pathetic teenage girl life. =)

hi. again.

almost two whole months since my last post. the world will probably end now. sorry.

truth is, i've been really busy......procrastinating. school is good. except for the fact that i'm an exceptional procrastinator. i've been on a couple of dates with a boy that i think i might like. had some drama in my life (thank HEAVENS that's over). applied to the college of my choice. you know. the usual. =)

maybe i'll try to blog more often. maybe.

it could be part of my whole "lifestyle change" thing i have going on right now. i'm protesting myself. the "right now" me. protesting all the junk food. procrastination. neglect. i have had ice cream for dinner more often than not this week. i don't think i did a single assignment for school. and my hair has been nothing but ponytails for days.

nice one, watson.

yeah. we'll see how that goes.