Courage

"Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day saying, "I'll try again tomorrow". I have found this to be very true. There were nights in my life when I thought I was literally going to burst at the seams. I would stay awake for hours and hours hating myself and beating myself up. Physically. Literally. I felt like I was overflowing with sadness and would have done anything to make it stop. I can't explain the thoughts that consumed me those nights. It was torture. I felt like such a coward because I couldn't do anything to make it stop. I was a coward because I couldn't take my own life.

After recovering from my severe depression and being clean for over a year, I can say that those nights of cowardice were so much more than that. It was courage. I was not weak. The moments were weak, and I didn't know how to cope with them. But I was never weak. I was courageous and strong. And the fact that I am writing this today is proof of that.

Courage doesn't always look like courage. And it sure as hell doesn't always feel like courage. Only looking back can I say that those were some of the strongest moments of my life.

Quirks

I like really hot, long showers and painting my own nails. Pink or dark blue or black or clear. I like my room clean, but there's just something about it when it's messy. Controlled chaos. I feel like having my nails done or eyebrows plucked gives me more confidence, even if everything else in my life is a mess. I will only drink water out of water bottles. I think too much. I say "I love you" a lot, but not always to the right people. My favorite person to quote is Eleanor Roosevelt. I like to read. I go to the gym when I'm procrastinating, and I spend way too much time on the internet. My friends sometimes call me Goose. I have hundreds of scars. I am addicted to instagram. I like documenting my life with pictures and videos, but I feel weird taking pictures of myself. I love to dance- in my ballroom class in heels, in my bedroom in my underwear or in the grocery store in jeans and tennis shoes. I brush my teeth for 3 minutes every night before bed. I regret very few things in life. I'm insecure about a hundred things, but can find inspiration in a hundred more. I'm proud of who I am and what I've been through to become that way. Black t-shirts are a staple. I own more black t shirts than all my bras combined. I like to comment nice, uplifting things onto strangers social media posts. I can be really cranky when things don't go the way I imagined. One of my favorite things to do is smile. I say sorry too much. I complain about things I actually enjoy- like writing. Music either inspires and motivates me or brings me clear down to the bottom. I've been to the bottom. I don't believe in luck, but believe in blessings with all my heart.

Young Love

"So there was this guy..."

I feel like that's how it always starts. Throughout your life there are a lot of guys. Friends, crushes, boyfriends...

The first boy I ever said "I love you" to (besides family. duh.), is currently serving an LDS mission in South Carolina. We met while I was still in high school and he was my first official boyfriend. We dated for 8 months before he left on his two-year mission, and a lot happened in those months. I can absolutely say that I fell in love with him. With him, his friends, his family... We became best friends and it broke my heart to say goodbye to him. After he left, I became very depressed and withdrawn. It was sad and unhealthy and I hated it. I cried all the time and it sucked. He was devoting TWO YEARS of his life to the Lord and I wasn't doing much to contribute to... anything. He and I wrote letter after letter and email after email. I found that I loved him even more after getting to know him better from afar and seeing him work through faith and the Lord. We talked all the time about how we were going to get married in the Salt Lake temple when he got home, and all about our plans for the future and a family.

I was 18 years old.

I had no clue what I was doing. He had asked me to date other guys while he was gone, but going out with other guys while planning a temple marriage with your missionary is incredibly unfair to everyone involved. And it sucked. Maybe even more than that depression when he first left. It was hard for me to open up to any guy and when I did, I felt guilty and dirty. It started to take it's toll on the relationship I had with my missionary and his family as well. We talked less and less, and eventually stopped writing letters all together.

I began to realize that although he was my best friend and I loved him more than I had ever loved anyone before, that LOVE changes. Your first love is not always your true love and it's not always meant to be. I don't know if love ever goes away, because I'm still very young and still care about him... just not in the way I did when I was 18. I'm not sure what will happen when he gets home, but I'm okay with not knowing. I've always tried to plan my life out exactly and precisely to the letter, but love is something that can't be planned, and if you try to control it or force it in any way, it becomes unhealthy and toxic and begins to look and feel less and less like the love you started with.

The Fault In Our Stars

This film is based off the book by John Green, who is my all time favorite author. I waited and waited for the book to be released, and my mom secretly pre-ordered it for me for Christmas a few years ago, and it was accidentally shipped early.

I am so so happy about this. My favorite book is being made into a movie. Tears and more tears.

I - 2014

I am not the same girl who created this blog 5 years ago.
I am 20 years old.
I am a student at a university.
I love my family more than anything and they make me laugh. A lot.
I have two best friends, both of whom are gorgeous.
I have a dog.
A boy has my heart.
Speaking of hearts, mine has been broken many times since I last checked on this blog. But I am a much better person because of those heartbreaks.

Also, I want to get an English bulldog when I move out.
AlsoAlso, I'm gonna try to blog more - blah, blah, blah.

Thoughts.

1. I can't sleep. Because
2. birthday awesomeness is commencing tomorrow (today) and
3. there are emotions that I'm having trouble defining and dealing with at the moment. And yes,
4. they involve the great love of my life.
5. Elder D. Oviatt.
6. Definition of said feelings: Nervous. Inadequate.

Once upon a memory.

I couldn't fall asleep tonight so I pulled a box from the back of my closet and wandered down memory lane for a little bit...

I can't believe that I sometimes forget that when I was 15 I boarded an 11 hour flight to Paris with 12 of my best friends and that we performed in front of 8,000 people. I took a ballet class with an instructor of the Paris Opera Ballet in a school gymnasium in Austria. I hiked the Alps and visited castles. We performed for a school for handicapped children and they in turn hosted an Austrian "barbeque" for us. And my friends and I cried after that performance because it was the last time we would perform on that trip and we had had the time of our lives.

I should remember things more often.

What I want more than anything in the world right now, is to be able to feel and experience an emotion without being judged by those closest to me. But, since I can't be honest and open about it, I retreat. And am then judged even more. And I'm sorry. But if that's the only way to get through it, then leave me alone till I'm ready. Bye.

Project: BEAUTIFUL {2012}

I've had this idea for months...It's been kicking around in my brain and it's just gotten bigger and bigger. I could never stop thinking about it and it would keep me up at night. I finally decided that I needed to do something about it. I don't know what it's gonna end up as, but I have a beginning and I know where I want it to go. Every good thing starts somewhere. Starts small.

Here we go. =)

essays....

i've been working on this essay for a week and a half. i have 1 1/2 pages done. it is nowhere NEAR finished. this paper NEEDS to be turned in tomorrow, along with a second essay and a snazzy interactive web presentation thing.
this is too much.
i can't make my brain calm down and focus....i'm exhausted but my head is pounding and spinning and running a million different directions all at once.
i can't do this.
screw you, little engine that could. this little engine can't and probably won't. i really want to, but it seems physically impossible at this point.

thank you helping me procrastinate, blog.

me. blogging. SURPRISE!

ok so i'm blogging. not because i feel sentimental or because something monumental and life-changing happened to me. nope. none of the above. boys. the reason for this whole post is a boy.

i went on two AMAZING dates with a guy. two dates. they were probably two of my favorite dates of all time. the haunted forest (blind date) and a random, spontaneous trip to trafalga (plus hot chocolate). he was nice and charming and cute and funny and respectful AND he held my hand on the first date! scandalous, i know, but i found out later that i was the first girl he had EVER held hands with. EVER. i'm not going to tell you that that didn't make my day. because it did. he held my hand on our second (trafalga) date as well. BONUS: ALL of his friends work at second-date-trafalga. they saw us holding hands. and he wasn't embarrassed. i was kind of impressed. anyway....

two dates into our relationship (which was not really a relationship, but a girl can dream, right?) and he stops texting. i hadn't heard from him in a month. which doesn't seem that long, but our two dates happened within 2 1/2 weeks of each other, so....

i didn't want to text him first because...i don't know. that seemed weird. if he wanted to go out with me, he would text, right? but...i wanted to go out with him but i didn't text. ugh.

so i got on facebook today AND......

he's in a relationship with someone else.

darn you nice, attractive boy!!!

but at least now i know why he wasn't trying to get a hold of me...

*sigh* oh well. time to move on with my pathetic teenage girl life. =)

hi. again.

almost two whole months since my last post. the world will probably end now. sorry.

truth is, i've been really busy......procrastinating. school is good. except for the fact that i'm an exceptional procrastinator. i've been on a couple of dates with a boy that i think i might like. had some drama in my life (thank HEAVENS that's over). applied to the college of my choice. you know. the usual. =)

maybe i'll try to blog more often. maybe.

it could be part of my whole "lifestyle change" thing i have going on right now. i'm protesting myself. the "right now" me. protesting all the junk food. procrastination. neglect. i have had ice cream for dinner more often than not this week. i don't think i did a single assignment for school. and my hair has been nothing but ponytails for days.

nice one, watson.

yeah. we'll see how that goes.

weekends...

bad.bad.bad.blogger. sorry.

i live on the weekends. i don't (well, i try not to) do much with my friends during the week, because then the weekend is just that much better...you know?

so since i've been slacking, i thought i'd share last weekend's adventures before this weekend happens.

last friday night was our homecoming game. we dominated. i don't really remember the score, but it was something like 53 to 20something. i've been more into high school football this year than i ever have been. i kind of think that it's because i'm a senior...if i don't pretend to care about whether or not we win or have a good kicker or whatever, i'm gonna miss it.

grab high school by the balls! or...football helmet. or whatever.

anyway, after the game (and after my jumping on my best friend's back brought her crashing into the cement and throwing me into the grass {she ended up with bloody, gashed up knees. sorry sweetie}), we went to a party that my brother was at. it was a party for a sixteen year old boy and all his fifteen year old friends. they were watching a scary movie and none of the girls that they had invited showed up. so, naturally, seeing as my brother conveniently has a 17 year old sister who has an 18 year old best girl friend...he called and impromptu-invited us. =)
so we showed up and the movie they were watching was SO stupid. but i feigned being terrified and told the group of boys that i really needed someone to hold my hand. bingo! derek and i held hands for the last 20 minutes of the movie and he was impressibly smooth about it....good job, derek.

on saturday morning, my mom and my brother and i all headed out to the mall to meet my aunts for shopping and lunch. i have adorable cousins and it was just a fun morning/afternoon. my aunt deanna bought me a new pair of jeans as an early birthday present and i love them! i have an obsession with american eagle jeans...i don't know if its that they're really comfortable, they fit me well, or that i fit into their size 0....but they rock.

after the mall, we headed to will's lacrosse game. they lost (again) but will is an amazing lacrosse player. *sidenote* will has amazing abs, so he deems it necessary to go shirtless whenever possible....which is like 49% of the time. =)

after the game, dalan picked me up and we went to kaden's boxing match. dude. let me just get this out there...boxers are kinda hot. seriously. they're super buff and can take a hit like nobody's business. *sidenote* i thought that when we went (i had never been to a boxing match before) it would be this kind of shady, out of control, freaky thing, but it was actually very civil and organized. the boxers were really nice to each other afterwards; they hugged, shook hands, laughed together...it was competitive of course, but it wasn't at all as hostile as i thought it was going to be. =)
so kaden won his fight and it was SO INTENSE! he boxed out of blue (they box out of blue or red corners of the ring) and i haven't felt that anxious in a while! i really like kaden as a friend and watching all the fights leading up to his was sort of nerve-wracking...it was a really close match. none of us really thought he had won but when the called out "Blue corner!" i just jumped up and started screaming!! ah!! it was a really good feeling....i can't imagine how kaden felt!

after that i had an awesome sleepover with my bestie. =) i love spending time with her. we stayed up all night talking and watching made for tv movies. in the morning i had jelly beans for breakfast and we just hung out around the house.

all-in-all, last weekend was amazing!
can't wait for this weekend!!
=)

boys...

its been a week.

im in high school.

lets talk boys.

as the teenaged girl that i am, i like boys. and also, as the teenaged girl that i am, i often have daydreams about the "perfect guy". but let's be serious. what girl doesn't, right?

i've been on plenty of dates with plenty of guys, and have met lots that i really like. lately, though it seems like the guys i spend time with/date are polar opposites.

one knows what he's going to do with his life. where he's going to school, what he's going to do, etc. he's also "figured himself out". you know those people in high school who just act weird because they haven't "found themselves" yet? yep. he's found. he is super sweet and likes me for being me. for being funny (really??), intelligent, pretty and amazing. wow. that could really get a girl going. =) he is also a SUPER good guy. i'm not gonna lie...every once in a while, i can appreciate a dirty joke, and swearing doesn't bother me nearly as much as it (probably) should. i have to watch myself so that i'm on my very best behavior whenever i hang out with him, which is sometimes tiring (and less fun:).

the other is, admittedly, younger, but he is also really fun to hang out with. he is HILARIOUS and spontaneous and his family is awesome! he on the other hand, has not found himself yet. he's still trying to be something that isn't quite him yet...i dont' think. but he is super fun to hang out with and he also appreciates a dirty joke every now and then. more 'now' than 'then' though, because he is rather immature. =) but he also likes me because i'm hot. just because of who my parents are and the fact that i spent 13 years taking ballet classes does not make me hot. that is not circumstantial at all and i have not had to do anything to become what he calls hot. still, it is nice to have someone like you for being nice looking. and sometimes i wonder if that's all he notices. if maybe the jokes and quirky sayings and lame comments are lost to the fact that 1) i'm older than him, and/or 2) i look nice sometimes.

where was i going with this? no idea.

so, this post accomplished nothing.

boys will be boys.

fights.

sometimes i have to really fight to be happy. it's like an internal struggle between where i know i could be and what is currently going on in my life.

i don't even know why i'm in a bad mood. maybe i'm depressed. i know that there is a possiblity that it could be hereditary. quite often though, i feel extremely sad for no particular reason. like i'm not doing enough with my life. like i'm not living up to some standard that everyone else can live up to.

it used to be that these thoughts would dominate my life and i would obsess over the negative in my life. i just wanted to stop trying so hard. to sleep...forever. i am so glad that's not so anymore.

i have to fight myself to not take it out on the people around me. and more often than not, i lose that fight. sorry.

these internal struggles happen a lot in my life.

i used to struggle a lot with my weight. and more than that, with my image. i'm much better about it now, and much happier, but there are times when my brain slips back into the way it used to function, and it sort of goes on this crazy downward spiral about how i view my body. i can't really control when/where/why this happens, but it seems to coinside with the "depression" swings i have.

i don't know what this post has accomplished, other than help me procrastinate the philosophy paper i'm supposed to be writing, but....

this was an extremely personal post. luckily for me, only like 2 people read my blog. =)

homecoming.

homecoming was last night!!
i am a senior and had never been to homecoming before. but neither had my date. kaden. he's a sophomore. =)

we went on a double-day-date (with megan and dalan) and it was really fun. i really liked how laid back it was...we canoed across this little lake up in the canyon and went on a little hike/climb to this crappy little beach. we just joked around and hung out and had an awesome time. then we drove to this really cool park (us locals call it 3-story park. i have no idea what it's really called.) and had a picnic. then we had a "race" and rolled down this giant hill. the view from that park is amazing...you can see the whole valley. we were all sort of worn out from hiking and racing and what not, so we just sort of sat on the side of the hill, cuddled, and enjoyed the view and the amazing weather. it was sunny, breezy and beautiful.

after the day-date, the boys dropped us off and we got ready. i wore a little black dress and put my hair up. (it's not how i was originally gonna do my hair. i did not like how my hair turned out but i didn't have enough time to do what i wanted with it. sometimes having really thick hair is inconvenient.) kaden looked awesome in all black and a fuschia tie, and i painted my nails fuschia to match. =) when he picked me up, he brought me a daisy, and i, being the girl that i am, LOVED it. so cute, thoughtful and impressive. =)

next up: dinner. we ate dinner with 3 other couples at our friend, jake's, barn. earlier that week, the boys had set up the table and lights and it looked really cool. the parents cooked dinner and it was so good! i feel that i should admit that i had two desserts... =)

the dance was super cool. it was held in our high school gym and....wow. the gym was alomst unrecognizable. there was a red carpet, lanterns, lights, bistro tables on a cute little patio/garden, and there was even a fountain in the middle of the gym! the only thing that could have been improved was the music. it was WAY too quiet. if i can hear myself talking to the guy dancing across from me, the music isn't loud enough. =)

unfortunately, megan's date, dalan, was feeling sort of sick so we left a little earlier than we were originally going to. actually, we were originally all going to go back to jake's and watch a movie, but none of us really felt like hanging out with a ton of people and watching a dumb movie (i am number four. it's stupid. don't see it.) so dalan and kaden took us back to megan's house, where us girls ditched our dresses and fancy shoes and put on sweatpants and slippers. then we went back to dalan and kaden's where they changed into something more comfy as well. we finished out the night cuddling and watching the BYU/Utah game. (utah won.)

i got home at midnight (curfew) and went right to bed (right after my flower got some water and i had a quick snack. how was i hungry after two desserts?).

=) thanks kaden.

this one girl.

so i know this girl. she is absolutely wonderful in EVERY way.

i think that we are such good friends because we speak our own language. example...

Me: "So...when you're kissing a guy do you, like, you know..."
Her: "Oh my gosh yes! Hahaha! I didn't know you did too!"
Me: "Hahahaha! Yep! I didn't know if everybody did or if it was just me or what!"
Her: "Yeah! Oh my gosh a Rue 21! We're going right now!"

that was a real conversation that really happened. yesterday. we are so bright. =)

i also think she is wonderful because she is so stinking hilarious. so hilarious. you have no idea.
we share a sort of humor that very few people (outside of those who know us best) understand. example...

1) we're at macy's or dillard's or jc penny's or something, in a dressing room (shopping for a homecoming dress for her) and i am laying on the bench. i look up and she starts clucking and bobbing her head with her hands up by her shoulders. i was laughing sooooooo hard! i fell off the bench from laughing....
2) again, shopping. she finds a dress that she likes and shows her mom. mom doesn't like it. (it really was a gorgeous dress and i'm still confused about why it got vetoed...) she turns to me and mutters, "well it's just gonna end up on the floor anyway." hahahahahaha!! her mom didn't really appreciate that one, but it was super funny...

we are both very sarcastic, and some times we can go the whole day talking sarcastically to each other. it's impressive.

she eats/loves awesome food. including: pickles, cheese, salsa, cereal, watermelon, and homemade rootbeer.
*side note* one time, for lunch, we had a banquet that included all of these foods. that is another reason that she is my favorite person.

reason #3 that this girl is amazing is that she GETS me. she knows exactly how i feel when i 'like a boy, but not really, but yeah, he's super hot, but oh, i've never spoken to him', and when my mom is being a mom but i'm pissed at her for doing so. yup. she gets it. oh! this probably explains the fact that we speak our own language...duh. =)

she is sort of an "honorary" sister. i've never had a sister, but she fills all my requirements of a biological sister. she borrows my clothes. i borrow her clothes. she does my make-up...because i suck at it. she helped me dye my own hair...because i suck at it. she teaches me how to flirt-text...because i suck at it and because i am the queen of one-word-very-un-sexy-replies. when i'm getting ready, or when i go shopping with her, she is honest about how something looks on me. i love that.

she doesn't judge me. if i wear yellow polka-dot tights and a brown hoodie and don't do my hair, she'll tell me that yellow isn't my color, but she will still sit with me at lunch, laugh at my jokes, and listen to me complain about my life. (thank you)

reason #699 that this girl rocks. she is very anti-drama. neither of us are very dramatic. high school is full of dramatic teenaged girls. yet another reason that i think we are so close. we both kind of gravitate AWAY from drama. leading to....

we don't get in fights. we have arguments. but even that is a bit strong for what we have....disagreements, maybe? i can count on one hand the number of "fights" we've been in and none of them have lasted longer than 24 hours. this is probably attributed to the fact that we're so good at communicating. we barely have to talk, but understand exactly what the other is trying to say/get across.

we can read each other's mind. basically.

so thank you, megan, for being my best friend, honorary sister, and occasional roommate.
you are the best.
litterally.
love you.

helena.

remember.

i was 7 years old ten years ago. i don't remember a lot, but i do remember mom watching the news in the morning, watching bits of the news in my class at school, and the news being on at home all evening. i also remember that my mom was on the phone a lot that day.

actually, i remember a lot more than i give myself credit for.

i remember knowing that something was very, very wrong. i remember feeling like every person at my school, in my neighborhood, in my ward, and in my life was a lot more important that day. every American was. i remember not being able to fully understand what exactly was wrong, but crying anyway because so many others were. i remember that some people had more to be afraid for than i did, but still feeling terrified. i remember being proud, so proud, that i lived where i lived. i remember being grateful (although somewhat ashamed for it) that myself and those that i loved were so far away from the east coast. i remember being worried and confused. i remember thinking about movies i had seen and what i had learned about war in school. what i couldn't seem to remember, though, was what came next.

being an American citizen was scary that day.

i think that was the day when i began to understand how very important the president of the United States is.

i thought today about the children of America, and how they will be effected by the attacks of September 11th. thousands were lost that day, and thousands will never understand the impact, the feeling, the magnitude...of experiencing that day in history. it seems weird to me that i will need to explain the importance of today to my own children someday. wow.

no mattter how far, physically, American citizens were from New York City or Pennsylvania, everyone, the entire country, came together and stood, slowly, but with confidence and courage, and together, lifted this country back up to where it stands today. i am extremely proud to live in the United States of America and am so grateful for all the heroes who were strong enough and brave enough to help and rescue and save everyone that they could. i am extremely sorry for those who lost loved ones that day. my prayers go out to them and to America.

i will never forget September Eleventh.

i remember.

megan, please don't read this...

hmmmmm.

so i didn't go to the gym today. i've been going every day since school started (nearly 4 weeks, minus a few days here and there) and never made it today. i've been feeling kind of down lately and just couldn't seem to pick up enough energy to get myself there. usually i can text my best friend and see if she's going. most of the time she is and the motivation of going WITH someone helps me make it to the gym. but that didn't really feel like an option today...

speaking of my best friend....she is currently "dating" her ex-boyfriend. "dating" meaning they hang out (a lot) and go on dates, and recently shared their "second-first-kiss". it's stupid. she told me a few weeks ago, when she and dalan (the ex) started texting and getting back together, that if she ever said she wanted to start dating him again, to smack her and tell her absolutely not.

well. now what?

i know that she likes to be with him. he's funny (sometimes), spontaneous, and has an awesome family (i absolutely adore his family). but i don't like it. it's not that i don't like HIM, he's a great guy, but i don't like them TOGETHER. he has really odd mood swings and gets angry really quickly. he also drives like a maniac (i am honestly scared for my life every time i'm in the car with him). he is really disrespectful to his parents and rude to his younger siblings. i really have no idea why megan is getting back together with him. the reason he is an ex is because she broke up with him. because he was too clingy and possesive! megan also gets really...indifferant around him. things that would usually bug her, she just laughs at. it's weird.

this is a "rant" blog, and i am so sorry. i don't usually like these kind of blogs, but i need to get it out. i would usually call up my best girlfriend and tell her all about it, but right now she is at dalan's house. with dalan. probably doing something cute. with dalan. so...yep.

i feel stupid for saying this, but i'm kind of jealous of dalan. that sounds so dumb and juvenile and i wish it wasn't true, but it's the only way to explain what the heck i'm feeling right now. for several months, it has just been me and megan. girl time, talking about boys and the various dates we go on, and how nice it would be to have a boyfriend or (back several weeks) a summer fling. we hung out every second that we could and told each other everything. now (today specifically), she spends tons of time with dalan. and i get it, i really do. i love spending time with guys who think i'm fantastic. but today, 5 minutes before lunch, megan texts me and says shes going somewhere with dalan. fine. i'll go eat on my own. then she texts me and tells me that they're back, so i go sit with them....and she and dalan flirt the whole time. i felt extremely third-wheel-ish and didn't really want to be there. she is my best friend and i've eaten lunch with her every day since junior year, but i find it really difficult to sit and watch while they tickle each other and laugh about private jokes and i have no idea what they're talking about and....oi.

then, this evening, kaden (dalan's younger brother who i am fantastic friends with) texted me and asked if i was coming over with megan. what?! um...no i guess not. i don't know why i felt so hurt, but having kaden (and dalan, i found out later) invite me over but NOT my best friend...i don't know. i can't explain it. it sort of felt like everyone wanted me there except for her.

this all sounds really dumb and hormone-y now that i go back and read it, but at least it's not all bottled up inside me anymore...

i love megan like a sister. she practically is one and i really want her to be happy. it's none of my business who she dates. i need to let it go and be happy for her... but if he breaks her heart or causes ANY drama. i will kick his ass.

Lack of...

there are a lot of things that i am lacking in life. number 1: the self-discipline to stop blogging and go do the homework that needs to be done. number 2: a photographic memory. and number 3:
i don't know. i have no idea what it is but i feel like i'm forgetting something. something important.
it feels like i have a test tomorrow that i didn't study for. (not it)
like i got ready and forgot to put on mascara or only put one earring in. (not it)
like i was supposed to meet someone for lunch and only remebered the day after. (not it)

maybe i'm just not getting enough sleep. that might be it. i usually go to bed at 10 (in bed, teeth brushed, lights out, falling asleep) but the last couple of days i've been getting to bed around 11/11:20. no bueno!!
perhaps i haven't been eating as healthily as i should. it seems like i either eat really healthy food all the time, all junk food all the time, or i just don't eat at all. hahaha! none of those are super good for you...maybe i should work on that as well.

hmmmmm....this blog post made no sense at all.

whatever.