Thoughts.

1. I can't sleep. Because
2. birthday awesomeness is commencing tomorrow (today) and
3. there are emotions that I'm having trouble defining and dealing with at the moment. And yes,
4. they involve the great love of my life.
5. Elder D. Oviatt.
6. Definition of said feelings: Nervous. Inadequate.

Once upon a memory.

I couldn't fall asleep tonight so I pulled a box from the back of my closet and wandered down memory lane for a little bit...

I can't believe that I sometimes forget that when I was 15 I boarded an 11 hour flight to Paris with 12 of my best friends and that we performed in front of 8,000 people. I took a ballet class with an instructor of the Paris Opera Ballet in a school gymnasium in Austria. I hiked the Alps and visited castles. We performed for a school for handicapped children and they in turn hosted an Austrian "barbeque" for us. And my friends and I cried after that performance because it was the last time we would perform on that trip and we had had the time of our lives.

I should remember things more often.

What I want more than anything in the world right now, is to be able to feel and experience an emotion without being judged by those closest to me. But, since I can't be honest and open about it, I retreat. And am then judged even more. And I'm sorry. But if that's the only way to get through it, then leave me alone till I'm ready. Bye.