Courage

"Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day saying, "I'll try again tomorrow". I have found this to be very true. There were nights in my life when I thought I was literally going to burst at the seams. I would stay awake for hours and hours hating myself and beating myself up. Physically. Literally. I felt like I was overflowing with sadness and would have done anything to make it stop. I can't explain the thoughts that consumed me those nights. It was torture. I felt like such a coward because I couldn't do anything to make it stop. I was a coward because I couldn't take my own life.

After recovering from my severe depression and being clean for over a year, I can say that those nights of cowardice were so much more than that. It was courage. I was not weak. The moments were weak, and I didn't know how to cope with them. But I was never weak. I was courageous and strong. And the fact that I am writing this today is proof of that.

Courage doesn't always look like courage. And it sure as hell doesn't always feel like courage. Only looking back can I say that those were some of the strongest moments of my life.

Quirks

I like really hot, long showers and painting my own nails. Pink or dark blue or black or clear. I like my room clean, but there's just something about it when it's messy. Controlled chaos. I feel like having my nails done or eyebrows plucked gives me more confidence, even if everything else in my life is a mess. I will only drink water out of water bottles. I think too much. I say "I love you" a lot, but not always to the right people. My favorite person to quote is Eleanor Roosevelt. I like to read. I go to the gym when I'm procrastinating, and I spend way too much time on the internet. My friends sometimes call me Goose. I have hundreds of scars. I am addicted to instagram. I like documenting my life with pictures and videos, but I feel weird taking pictures of myself. I love to dance- in my ballroom class in heels, in my bedroom in my underwear or in the grocery store in jeans and tennis shoes. I brush my teeth for 3 minutes every night before bed. I regret very few things in life. I'm insecure about a hundred things, but can find inspiration in a hundred more. I'm proud of who I am and what I've been through to become that way. Black t-shirts are a staple. I own more black t shirts than all my bras combined. I like to comment nice, uplifting things onto strangers social media posts. I can be really cranky when things don't go the way I imagined. One of my favorite things to do is smile. I say sorry too much. I complain about things I actually enjoy- like writing. Music either inspires and motivates me or brings me clear down to the bottom. I've been to the bottom. I don't believe in luck, but believe in blessings with all my heart.